this month has been a roller coaster of involvement with my family especially from my fathers side.It is so strange that you tend to have less or should i say no feelings or simply don’t care about father’s side and they too seem to feel the same way .I had contended myself to feel ok about my thoughts until today with a wedding being planned and relatives from my father’s side arriving in town.

being the only one left in town had to see to everything from food, accomodation,transportation,and wedding hall bookings .All for people u don’t care about,it sounds so not me i rate myself as a caring ,kind ,affectionate person so at the end of the day i hate myself which takes the fun out of everything i do.I  put aside my feelings and start org. things which is very difficult in this country ,cause you never know when there is going to trouble ,and i tell myself why in the world these people had to come back here to have their wedd. as things progress gradually they get involved with me and i feel they want to help me ,which is not the usual case

I am amazed at how the blood ties that i have with these people does mean something cause when some of my friends started commenting on them,it stirred some hidden emotion which said that i want that person to stop saying those unpleasant things about them.How do you explain these feelings ?how do you deal with this ? even after knowing that they are using u ,you allow it

Strange ?eh yes i dealt with it and it was ok, really after 20 years i realized its ok to have screwed up relatives and still feel for them.Everything changed after this inner revelation ,which calmed me and sanity settled in i actually started having fun and for some reason it seem like old times ,although nothing like this had ever happened before but just the time when papa was alive and all the good times we had ,these people were in the background maybe that was it! of who you share your rare moments ,your memories ,your laughter thats what ties you to them.


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